I'm writing this sorry note here because I know you're the only one I know here, and I'm just too damn proud to do it over the phone or in person.

There's no particularly good reason as to why I didn't want you dating him. I just didn't think you would ever like him like that. The person you told me you like was not him. That's wrong. But then I'd be a hypocrite, which I am. You know about my situation with Victor and how I always find some other guy to like. You also should know by now that I am completely protective of you.
I'm not saying Alex is a bad person. I just don't trust you being with him. Forgive my selfishness, please?
There was no excuse for me acting the way I did. I just didn't want to lose you to Alex, but it turned to me pushing you away. Please don't tell me that you told Vincent to tell me about your break-up to try and make me happy.
Go ahead and date him. It's your life, not mine.
But do it because you REALLY do like him, not just because he likes you.

I really don't have the energy to think anymore. I've been having a horrible life recently.

Trying to figure out how to use LJ?! D: It's all confusing to me.

Ahh, anyways, yesterday I went to my counselor's office to drop out of honors (pre-AP or whatever you call it) Biology since I'm miserably failing in that class. Now I'm in the regular Biology class, and I don't want to be mean.. But there are some very stupid people in that class! We're learning all this stuff that we learned last year. School isn't getting all that much better. I'm always sleeping 'cause of my horrible procrastination habits (ex. THIS) So it's horrible trying to wake up the next morning.

I've started to lost interest in guys at my school. They all basically seem like jerks.): How sad is that? And the Asians there?! Oh boy... They are the dorkiest little kids I've ever seen!! Not to mention the fact that we don't have homecoming. *sigh* This is a sad, sad school. I really wish I could move over to my cousin's school. Man, I love that place.(:

Well, I really have to get going on my homework or I'll be dead tired tomorrow... again.

Today I went over to my high school to pick up my schedule for school, and I found out that I have the most amazing first period class :D There's a bunch of my awesome friends in that class. (excited much?) It sucks how I have a bottom locker though.): There's a big possibility that someone is going to drop things on my head one day. Most likely, I'll get pissed off. ahaha. There's finally something to look fowards to in high school! :D All my difficult classes are at the end of the day so I have study hall before them. WHOOO.
Do you totally think it's lame that I'm already checking out the hot new guys?
I probably won't have a chance with them. You know what they say. The ute guys are all either taken or gay ;D
ahahaha.<3

Today was especially... "weird". I went to the pool with my cousin (Annie) and my friends, Victor (ex-boyfriend mentioned before), Vincent (his twin), and Geoffrey. It was pretty nerve-racking for me to be half naked in front of Victor (sorry if it's TMI). We saw them a couple hours after we arrived since we were way early and they were way late. We were just messing around and everything, but then all I could think about was Victor and if he was thinking about me. Annie knows about my situation, and she tells me that he looked at me. I was a little weirded out but at the same time it gave me this strange feeling of hope. I wanted him to look. I wanted him to think back and remember. All I wanted was for him to see what I was going through and how much I was hurting each time I thought about him. I know he's over me, but I still can't help but to hope. Each time I hope, it seems like I'm falling faster and harder. Why is he the only guy I can think about? I can't even put myself to think of someone else. He's always the one on my mind, but I can't tell him. My heart aches badly. I never would've expected to be in my position years ago. Boys weren't my obsession at that time, and all I wanted to do was make my parents proud of me. That was it, but now I feel the need to have him by my side while I do that. I gave him my heart hoping he'd fix it, but it feels like he just left it there to dry out. Cheesy much? I don't know... It's just the way of expressing my feelings. There's no way I can put the aching of my heart into words anyways. Do I love him? What the heck IS love? THe word is so overused these days to be able to comprehend the meaning of it. It's a strong word so I choose not to use it. Ever since the heart aches with Victor, I've stopped saying "I love you" to everyone, stopped hugging everyone and started saving them for the special someone. I've been saving my heart as well. There's three other guys who like me, but I can't accept it knowing that my heart won't be totally given to them. A big part of it will probably always lie in the hands of Victor. Nobody ever proved that teenagers were too young to feel these emotions.

Oh wow, I have a huge blog about this already. I miss a lot of people actually. I miss my friends, that guy, the parents that were never so stressed about anything, and my old life. Just looking at things make me miss them. So many things can remind me of them even the smallest things.

So basically I created this account not to blog to friends but to blog to people out there who've been through this and people who won't judge me. I really hope that there's actually someone out there who can help me with my problems without saying the same things I've heard a million times from friends and family.
I'll start off with some basic details about my life leading up to what I'm about to blog about. So I'm a "normal" teenage girl who thinks way too much about everything. I read between the lines, and I think before I say things most of the time (which, to me, is not a good thing). I've had a bunch of childhood best friends who've all ended up moving away or just moving on. This is exactly why I can't learn to trust people so easily. It's obvious that my friends and family care, but most of them are never really "there". They're all occupied with their own thing these days. It seems kind of selfish to want someone there for me 24/7 answering my calls at midnight, listening and giving advice when I need it, giving me a shoulder to cry on no matter what, or even just for fooling around.
I used to have a friend like that until recently. She and I both changed a lot through our friendship. I liked it way better in the beginning even though we fought a lot. Towards the end of our friendship, we both never looked at each other the same. We never ran up to each other screaming in joy when we saw each other anymore. Most importantly, we stopped caring for each other. She went in and out of church too much boasting of her walk with God. I couldn't stand it because I was losing the once fun friend I had that was with me through everything and had time to fool around with me. Just last summer, we were spending every day with each other having the time of our lives, but then this summer was different. The air between us was always cold and unwelcoming. The friendly feeling was completely gone already. We spent most of our days thinking of how bad we were to each other and not about the good times we spent together. She was that one friend I had always wished for. The one that stayed on the phone with me for hours listening to me rant on about the new "man" in my life or about how he broke my heart. We talked about how we would hang out with each other every day, but then we started talking about how we had other plans already. Nobody saw the tension in our friendship. They still always asked about her when they say me. The others still remember us as the inseparable duo or the girls who never went anywhere without each other until we started going everywhere with a new friend. She found new best friends, and I found my way back to my cousin, the one who had never left me and stayed by me. Of course, even though I know my cousin, the best friend, will always be there for me, I just can't get that feeling that she really cares. She's a year younger than me, and she probably doesn't even understand why I get the feeling I do. It's like everything I do, I have to watch because I was such a big influence on her. Don't get me wrong, I love her more than anything. She's just like a little sister to me. We've always been the best of friends, but there were just some things we couldn't understand about each other.
Guys were one of the biggest things that tensed our relationship. She hated it when I talked about guys especially the one I talk about almost every day. She'd always been the kind to just keep things to herself and write them in a journal. The artistic type, she was. She just has a wonderful way with words. A way that I could only dream of having. She could express millions of feelings with just one paragraph. True talent, I call it.
That one guy I always talked too much about was this one guy I dated a year ago. Let's just call him... Bob. I prefer not to reveal any kind of identities. Anyways, he was a special one that kind of just snuck up on me. I had already had plenty of boyfriends, and I was just getting over my last one that cheated on me. One of my good friends was currently dating him when I met him at our annual Hawaiian Falls trip for school. We started talking pretty often over the internet, and we soon got to know each other pretty well. He knew about my current break up situation, and I knew about his bumpy replationship with my friend. It wasn't long until they broke up, and he "asked me out". I always had that butterfly in my stomach feeling when I talked to him, but that wasn't all that special. It happened with all my boyfriends. It was summer, and I only had the thought of being with him in my mind. I tried to think of many ways to visit him, and I stuck with one that worked. I lied to my mom telling her that I'd be staying at the library, where he lived very close to, all day and reading with some friends. After my mom dropped me off everyday really early, due to her early morning shift, I would stay outside the library waiting for him to come save me from complete boredom. I was always sleepy since I'd never been the early bird kind of person, especially in summer, but I never minded staying out waiting for him to get dressed and come out to take me somewhere else. Of course, I always had that guilt feeling of lying to my mom, but I always found it worth it. My mom went to work early and got off late so I had the whole day with him. Our relationship was better than any I had ever experienced. It was one of those that you only see in movies, but it ended too fast. You see... I've never gotten a relationship over 3 weeks. My moods were changing so fast that I didn't have enough time to make a reasonable decision. It was only a little after 3 week that I broke it off. My current best friend at that time was all over him. She had a thing for him, but he rejected it due to the fact that I had just broken his heart. I felt bad for it all until he did something to make me not want to take him back. He'd broken a promise that he made to me at the start of our friendship. I overreacted big time.
Even after summer ended and school started, I refused to have anything to do with him. I never really thought about him much. The memories we shared were all stuffed into the back of the closet of the back of my mind. My friends constantly still told me of how he still though about me and missed me. I ignored them all until I finally got the knock on my head that I needed. I wasn;t sure what exactly made me take such big action, but I started talking to him again. Slowly my feelings were coming back. He could see it as well, but we all knew it came too late. My hope was broken when I found out that he'd already moved on from me. He found a way to untangle himself from the mess that I created for him. I apologized to him for everything terrible I had ever done to him, but even through everything we'd been through, I could get him back. I started missing him terribly craving to just be close to him or to just talk to him. He was, as you would describe it, leading me on. As much as I knew that he was over me, I still wanted to feel his embrace and his hand around mine. Soon, I could tell, he was getting sick of it all the messages I sent him late at night confessing my "love" for him, the obvious show of wanting his hugs and kisses, and the chasing after him. He started ingoring my messages and started avoiding me. It was everything I didn't want to happen. I was losing him. Soon enough, we stopped talking completely. He didn;t care to see me crying and I found ways to steer clear of him. I tried hundreds of ways to get him out of my mind. I stopped going to the place that I saw him every week as well as the library that brought so many memories back, I put away our memories for good by burning them or ripping them to shreds. My heart was on the edge. I even remember the first time he told me he liked me when he told me that if I gave my heart to him, he;d fix it. He did try at first, I could tell. Then I guess he forgot about it. Everything still rings clearly through my mind all the memories good and bad.
Even now after months of trying to get him out of my mind, I still miss him terribly. It's just this time, I won't tell him. We still don't talk, and I find it completely awkward just standing 3 feet away from him. Did I mention he's a twin? I guess I left that part out. I'm still in touch with his twin brother who knows about basically everything. I'm not sure what he's thinking now though. I wish I did. The thing I want the most is to be able to move on, but I know deep inside that I crave being with him a lot more. If I just had that second chance... How cruel can life be?! I guess that'd called being a teenager.